Sex makes you vulnerable. It makes everyone vulnerable. Even if it won’t lead to True Everlasting Love. Even if you’re just friends, or scratching an itch, or strangers who meet on the train to Vienna, or having the rawest and sleaziest of Casual Encounters, I still think that you are opening yourself up to another person in a way that is sacred while it is happening. People are very quick to warn about the dangers of casual sex like unwanted pregnancy and STDs, but what they leave out is that in the moment, sex isn’t all that casual. You and another human made a decision to trust each other with everything you have, and for a little while, you stopped time. That’s amazing.
A quick visual guide to the hymen.
good lord yes, important information for those uninformed
The incredible thing is the number of people who ignore that, and the incredible amount of people within that number who are female.
You know, fanfiction writers should realise that a certain number of young female persons are learning about their own body reading fics that always describe the loss of virginity as searing pain + litres of blood.
Are—are there really people who knowingly ignore the fact and continue to perpetuate the myth?
Really seriously though the prevalence of this narrative is really disturbing to me
guess what, your first time is NOT supposed to hurt. Jesus it’s 2014.
Every time I see a post about hymens and virginity, I need to say this and reiterate it and just make everyone understand:
your first time is not supposed to hurt
your first time is not supposed to hurt
your first time is not supposed to hurt
IT IS NOT A REQUIREMENT TO BLEED FOR YOUR FIRST TIME
REASONS YOU MIGHT BLEED FOR YOUR FIRST TIME:
- Not enough lubrication.
- Not enough preparation.
- Not enough foreplay.
- Your partner is a giant dicksplash.
TIPS AND HINTS FOR YOUR FIRST TIME THAT I WISH I HAD:
- LUBE IS YOUR VERY BEST FRIEND! Yes the vagina secretes a fluid that can act as a natural lubricant but that is not enough for vaginal sex. And for some women (like myself), they do not secrete nearly enough for even penetration, let alone sex. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH LUBE.
- FOREPLAY, FOREPLAY, FOREPLAY!!! You want to be good and turned on, like super turned on, coz the more you’re aroused, the more pliant and warm your vagina is going to be, and it’s more likely to allow a dick in without tearing. Like even when you’re giving birth, doctors nowadays will actually massage the outer rim of your vagina so that everything loosens up and allows A FUCKING BABY TO BE BORN WITHOUT TEARING YOU.
- PREPARATION (WHICH IS SOMEWHAT RELATED TO FOREPLAY)!!!! If you have never had anything in your vagina before, you’re probs gonna need a couple fingers in there to help you loosen up. This can easily be tied into foreplay.
- A GENTLE, UNDERSTANDING LOVER WHO KNOWS AND RESPECTS THE ABOVE HINTS!!!! You don’t have to be in love with the person you first have sex with, but it should be someone who respects you and your boundaries!!! Before having sex with someone, explain to them these things and your masturbatory experience, your wants and needs. If they don’t respect that THEY HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR VAGINA.
Basically it comes down to this: if your partner says “it’s normal to bleed the first time,” sit him (or her) down and talk to them about what actually happens and how it’s supposed to go. If they respect that, cool. If they don’t, fuck ‘em. Actually no, don’t fuck them, dump their ass and find someone who doesn’t subscribe to the belief that anything as lovely and intimate as your first time having sex has to hurt.
This is a basic patriarchal myth to both scare women from having sex, as well as contribute to the laziness of men in terms of making sex enjoyable for their female partners.
Sex never has to hurt. And don’t you dare let anyone tell you that it fucking has to.
If you have health problems that legitimately make vaginal intercourse hurt, there are a billion other things you can do with your partner, and you should communicate your health issues to every single partner. Again, if they respect that, rock on. If they don’t, tell them ‘adios’ and leave the bedroom.
Like, I think it’s really important to recognize that even casual sexual exchanges and the interactions that lead up to them are full of feeling
I think that is something both demisexuals and people who push compulsory casual sexuality need to hear
Some of the other things that are very common in porn is the very stereotypical scenario where a woman says “No” but then she’s somehow forced to do the sex act anyway and at some point she discovers that she really loves it and that’s what she’s dreamed of doing her whole life and that’s extremely common in pornography.
And when you have guys masturbating to something like that, learning about sex from something like that what that’s actually teaching them is that A) Women’s boundaries don’t matter, B) Anything you do to a woman she’s always going to love it…They are watching this stuff, they are masturbating to it, they’re getting these messages and they’re internalizing these messages not just on an intellectual level in terms of ideas but also now physically in their bodies; what they feel.
When Mom said that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, she was about four inches too high.
Okay, now I’m… somewhere in the intestines.
How are men supposed to know what makes women happy when they are not women?
Gosh, what a quandary! If only women were capable of communicating somehow… maybe a crude tapping code or pointing to simple pictures!
Hee hee hee.
What is sex, really? It’s not a penis going into a vagina. Nor is it a penis going into an orifice. Nor is it the touching of sexual organs. Sex is the pleasure obtained from arousal and intimacy. Without that, it’s a gynecologist appointment.
People seem to imagine that talking about sex means talking in the dorkiest possible way, and I honestly don’t know why. Personally, I’ve never seen the romance in no-talking sex. I know it’s supposed to be all “swept off your feet by the heat of the moment” and shit, but in practice it always seems more clumsy and oafish, like trying to convey the concept of “Deleuze’s Plane of Immanence” in Pictionary. With your feet. There’s shit you can’t just convey, you know? Even in long-standing relationships, it’s pretty goddamn hard to say “I want to gently pull your hair while we fuck and whisper sweet dirty things in your ear” with raised eyebrows and meaningful looks. And then you end up taking a chance and just grabbing their hair when it seems like a look has been meaningful enough, and then they stop everything and go “what the hell are you doing?”, and boy, you think you’ve seen awkward. Even the most stilted negotiation has nothing on the awkwardness of that crushing moment when you’re forced to admit you don’t have Sexy ESP after all.
We plan pretty much all of our activities, social or otherwise. We ask, negotiate, detail the plans and check in to confirm. We can even take classes to learn how to be better at certain aspects of social and work things: Cooking! Party planning! Etiquette! Why don’t we do this about sex? Why do we wait until the very last minute to get the details set? Or just fumble into bed with hopefully willing partners?
Everything you learned from Mister Rogers about how you treat other people—that’s how you treat other people when you’re fucking them, too. It’s simple stuff, mostly, and you don’t need some Sex Expert to dispense Sex Wisdom to know it: Be honest. Ask permission before touching things that aren’t yours. Be safe. Don’t bully or make fun of people. Don’t throw tantrums when you don’t get everything you want. Keep your promises. Use your words. Brush your teeth.
Really, this is the whole foundation of my sexual ethics. It’s not Betty Dodson and it’s not Susie Bright. It’s Fred McFeely Rogers.
there’s a connection between the porn industry and rape culture that i think people miss most of the time
why is it that consent is such a huge issue? because it’s not really learned. one of the first ways men explore sexuality is through porn. do you see any real consent going on in porn? i mean, according to this industry, it doesn’t matter the situation, women want to be fucked. men become ~*swift casanovas*~ and all it takes is some touching. if there’s any resistance, it’s met with unzipped pants and “look at me look at my dick u kno u want it slut”
this leaves an impression on young boys, navigating the awkward beginnings of puberty, wondering how to express themselves sexually and make advances towards their preferred sex. porn gives them a twisted idea of how to go about this, making sex appear to be non-negotiable and some sort of thing they’re entitled to. “she wants it! all women do” is the message that comes across from scenes composed of fake orgasms and over-exaggerated expressions.
so why are people so dumbfounded that intimacy has been this far simplified, that consent doesn’t matter to so many people? there’s an entire booming industry where consent doesn’t even exist
When sex becomes a production or performance that is when it loses its value. Be mutual. Be loud. Be clumsy. Make noises, be quiet, and make a mess. Bite, scratch, push, pull, hold, thrust. Remove pressure from the moment. Love the moment. Embrace it. Enjoy your body; enjoy your partners’ body. Produce sweat, be natural, entice your senses, give into pleasure. Bump heads, miss when you kiss, laugh when it happens. Speak words, speak with your body, speak to their soul. Touch their skin, kiss their goose bumps, and play with their hair. Scream, beg, whimper, sigh, let your toes curl, lose yourself. Chase your breath; keep the lights on, watch their eyes when they explode. Forget worrying about extra skin, sizes of parts and things that are meaningless. Save the expectations, take each second as it comes. Smear your make up, mess up your hair, rid your masculinity, and lose your ego. Detonate together, collapse together, and melt into each other.
My white (ex)boyfriend wanted me to roleplay as a slave and he would be the “Plantation Owner.” When I made it clear I wasn’t doing that, he became angry and said, “Your social justice shit is ruining our sex life!”
uh no your fucked up racist fantasy is ruining your own sex life
“Instead of being driven by biology, women’s rate of orgasm relative to men is a function of social forces. For one, we often bifurcate the sexual experience in line with gender norms: men are sexual (they experience desire) and women are sexy (they inspire desire). The focus on men’s internal wants and sensations also draws our attention to his satisfaction. Thus his orgasm, but not necessarily hers, becomes a critical part of what must happen for a sexual encounter to be successful and fulfilling. This is part of why intercourse – a sexual act that is strongly correlated with orgasm for men – is the only act that almost everyone agrees counts as “real sex,” whereas activities that are more likely to produce orgasm in women are considered optional foreplay.” —Lisa Wade
Great article for a sexuality class.
Elizabeth Armstrong and her colleagues conclude that women’s orgasm rates are strongly related to her evolving relationship with her partner, the activities they include, and his investment in her pleasure. Qualitative research on men’s motivations confirm the last piece. “I’m all about making her orgasm,” said a man interviewed for their study. “The general her or like the specific her?” he was asked. “Girlfriend her,” he responded, “In a hookup her, I don’t give a shit.”
So you’re about to have sex with a woman you’re attracted to, you really want to have sex with her, but all you can think about is her getting pounded by tons and tons of dicks? That sounds like an entirely different issue.
For the last three decades many Americans have puzzled over a system that gives an R to a movie in which a women is carved up by a chainsaw and an NC-17 to one that shows a woman sexually pleasured. From such ratings one might conclude that sexual violence against women is OK for American teenagers to see, but that they must be 18 to see consensual sex. What message does this send to the kids the MPAA presumably means to protect?
“You have to question a cinematic culture which preaches artistic expression, and yet would support a decision that is clearly a product of a patriarchy-dominant society, which tries to control how women are depicted on screen. The MPAA is okay supporting scenes that portray women in scenarios of sexual torture and violence for entertainment purposes, but they are trying to force us to look away from a scene that shows a woman in a sexual scenario which is both complicit and complex. It’s misogynistic in nature to try and control a woman’s sexual presentation of self. I consider this an issue that is bigger than this film.”
-Ryan Gosling on the controversy around the rating of his film ‘Blue Valentine’