When sex becomes a production or performance that is when it loses its value. Be mutual. Be loud. Be clumsy. Make noises, be quiet, and make a mess. Bite, scratch, push, pull, hold, thrust. Remove pressure from the moment. Love the moment. Embrace it. Enjoy your body; enjoy your partners’ body. Produce sweat, be natural, entice your senses, give into pleasure. Bump heads, miss when you kiss, laugh when it happens. Speak words, speak with your body, speak to their soul. Touch their skin, kiss their goose bumps, and play with their hair. Scream, beg, whimper, sigh, let your toes curl, lose yourself. Chase your breath; keep the lights on, watch their eyes when they explode. Forget worrying about extra skin, sizes of parts and things that are meaningless. Save the expectations, take each second as it comes. Smear your make up, mess up your hair, rid your masculinity, and lose your ego. Detonate together, collapse together, and melt into each other.
My white (ex)boyfriend wanted me to roleplay as a slave and he would be the “Plantation Owner.” When I made it clear I wasn’t doing that, he became angry and said, “Your social justice shit is ruining our sex life!”
uh no your fucked up racist fantasy is ruining your own sex life
“Instead of being driven by biology, women’s rate of orgasm relative to men is a function of social forces. For one, we often bifurcate the sexual experience in line with gender norms: men are sexual (they experience desire) and women are sexy (they inspire desire). The focus on men’s internal wants and sensations also draws our attention to his satisfaction. Thus his orgasm, but not necessarily hers, becomes a critical part of what must happen for a sexual encounter to be successful and fulfilling. This is part of why intercourse – a sexual act that is strongly correlated with orgasm for men – is the only act that almost everyone agrees counts as “real sex,” whereas activities that are more likely to produce orgasm in women are considered optional foreplay.” —Lisa Wade
Great article for a sexuality class.
Elizabeth Armstrong and her colleagues conclude that women’s orgasm rates are strongly related to her evolving relationship with her partner, the activities they include, and his investment in her pleasure. Qualitative research on men’s motivations confirm the last piece. “I’m all about making her orgasm,” said a man interviewed for their study. “The general her or like the specific her?” he was asked. “Girlfriend her,” he responded, “In a hookup her, I don’t give a shit.”
So you’re about to have sex with a woman you’re attracted to, you really want to have sex with her, but all you can think about is her getting pounded by tons and tons of dicks? That sounds like an entirely different issue.
For the last three decades many Americans have puzzled over a system that gives an R to a movie in which a women is carved up by a chainsaw and an NC-17 to one that shows a woman sexually pleasured. From such ratings one might conclude that sexual violence against women is OK for American teenagers to see, but that they must be 18 to see consensual sex. What message does this send to the kids the MPAA presumably means to protect?
“You have to question a cinematic culture which preaches artistic expression, and yet would support a decision that is clearly a product of a patriarchy-dominant society, which tries to control how women are depicted on screen. The MPAA is okay supporting scenes that portray women in scenarios of sexual torture and violence for entertainment purposes, but they are trying to force us to look away from a scene that shows a woman in a sexual scenario which is both complicit and complex. It’s misogynistic in nature to try and control a woman’s sexual presentation of self. I consider this an issue that is bigger than this film.”
-Ryan Gosling on the controversy around the rating of his film ‘Blue Valentine’
TW: Sexual abuseElizabeth Smart became a household name after she was kidnapped from her home in Salt Lake City, UT at the age of 14 and held in captivity for nine months. She was forced into a polygamous marriage, tethered to a metal cable, and raped daily until she was rescued from her captors nine months later. Smart was recovered while she and her kidnappers were walking down a suburban street, leading many Americans who followed her story on the national news to wonder:Why didn’t she just run away as soon as she was brought outside?
Speaking to an audience at Johns Hopkins about issues of human trafficking and sexual violence, Smart recently offered an answer to that question. She explained that some human trafficking victims don’t run away because they feel worthless after being raped, particularly if they have been raised in conservative cultures that push abstinence-only education and emphasize sexual purity:
Smart said she “felt so dirty and so filthy” after she was raped by her captor, and she understands why someone wouldn’t run “because of that alone.”
Smart spoke at a Johns Hopkins human trafficking forum, saying she was raised in a religious household and recalled a school teacher who spoke once about abstinence and compared sex to chewing gum.
“I thought, ‘Oh, my gosh, I’m that chewed up piece of gum, nobody re-chews a piece of gum, you throw it away.’ And that’s how easy it is to feel like you know longer have worth, you know longer have value,” Smart said. “Why would it even be worth screaming out? Why would it even make a difference if you are rescued? Your life still has no value.”
Now in her mid-twenties, Smart runs a foundation to help educate children about sexual crimes. She now believes that children should grow up learning that “you will always have value and nothing can change that.”
Social psychologists and sexual abuse counselors agree that comprehensive sex education can help prevent sexual crimes. Teaching children about their bodies gives them the tools to describe acts of abuse without feeling as embarrassed or uncomfortable, and it also helps elevate their self-confidence and sense of bodily autonomy. A shame-based approach to genitalia and sexuality, on the other hand, sends kids the message that they can’t discuss or ask questions about any of those issues.
When I went through abstinence only education they did an activity where they put different activity from holding hands to intercourse around the room and asked everyone how far they would go, and how far their parents would be okay with them going. I refused to do the exercise because I thought it was inappropriate and my parents trusted me to be safe and make decisions for myself. Now that I look back on that I can’t imagine how traumatic that could have been to someone who had been sexually abused. We need to keep this in mind when discussing sex education.
Teaching sexual health and education in a shaming way sends terrible messages to our children and students. And those feelings of shame do not go away even if someone has waited to have sex until their wedding night. You can’t undo years or decades of sex-negative education with a marriage license and a ring.
Those feelings of shame do not help the children who have been sexually abused, like the article above points out, either.
When I was in middle school, I was forced to sit on a blanket in front of my health class. The teacher then had a boy in the class sit next to me to represent us having sex (the added level of humiliation and creepiness that added is beside the point). Then she added another student and another and ended the lesson by demonstrating how many people we could spread diseases to if we had sex with more than one person. I remember her specifically pointing out that even if you wait to have sex until you get engaged, your fiance could die and then no one will want to marry you because you’re “damaged goods” and “dirty”. I remember thinking that if that were true, it would still be the case if you had sex after you were married and were widowed.
But, by far, the message I took away from our sex ed lesson in health class was that I was already damaged goods because I was molested. I had “let” that happen to me and that if someone DID fall in love with me, they were a better person because they were willing to be with someone who is “damaged”.
The sex-negative dialogue is hard to undo and work past. I’m still working through it.
- Loving to Survive: Sexual Terror, Men’s Violence, and Women’s Lives by Dee L.R. Graham, pg. 112
I really want to talk about this more.Especially the first underlined bit about how their emotional bonds are with men though they have sex with women.
a common term for this is “homosocial”, coined by queer theorist eve sedgwick. once you start looking around, it’s rather obvious that men align themselves with other men and that they do not have any true connection with women (otherwise, you know, they would not be murdering/raping/taking away our rights/etc). men’s homosocial bonds, be they between heterosexual or homosexual men, reproduce and reinforce male dominance.
if you have more questions, feel free to ask. Loving to Survive is not really about male homosocial behavior, but you can understand how women align themselves with homosocial males in order to get by. on the flip side, there is much history and theory by feminists, such as audre lorde and adrienne rich, who assert that female homosociality is a key to female liberation.
Porn is about male fantasy. The fantasy is that women like everything you do to them, as man.
So how does this translate into real life? Women spend a lot of time and energy trying to please men. We learn early on that we are being looked at – that we are to be looked at. That we are performers. It took years before I actually started enjoying sex. YEARS. I think what I enjoyed most about sex, when I was younger, was the feeling of being desired. The actual sex part was super boring for the first while.
We learn, as girls and women, that the performance is more important than the actual feeling.
Caster Semenya carried the flag for South Africa, following three years of hardship. Caster was banned from competing in 2009 after doubts were raised about her gender. She was allowed to race again in 2011, and qualified for the London games. She’s a favourite to win the women’s 800m race.
It’s great to see her back in competition, and being chosen to carry her nation’s flag. Go Caster!
(n.b. Track and field authorities questioned Semenya’s sex, not her gender.)
I was so psyched to see Caster Semenya hold the flag for South Africa. But I remain concerned about the IOC trying to define femaleness by testosterone level. As Jordan-Young points out, “If it’s unfair to have testosterone levels higher than other athletes, why not limit men’s levels, too?”
Very little foreplay is required, but in the event that insufficient moisture is available, artificial lubrication is available in your seat pocket or beneath the seat ahead of you. Make ample use of this lubrication, as it greatly enhances the experience and reflects in no way on your performance or her enthusiasm, and can be used as a floatation device.
Back in my Press Gang days my defence was always this: sex will always be an exciting mystery to children, they’ll always want to to know about it. And they’ll learn about it, inevitably, from scary porn and all those barmy urban myths that circulate playgrounds. As a counter to that, shouldn’t responisble kids telly at least try to right the balance? Shouldn’t there be someone out there (apart from your boring parents and your boring teachers, who cares what they say) saying that sex is a natural, sometimes funny, sometimes wonderful thing, that decent, kind, nice people do with other decent, kind, nice people. Rather than a sleazy forbidden horror whispered about behind the bike shed.
You CAN’T stop kids finding out about sex. You CAN at least make sure some of what they hear is sane and reasonable.
And as for alternative sexuality in Dr Who - oh for goodness sake!
There are kids watching out there, who already know they’re gay. (I knew which sex I fancied from a very early age.) Doesn’t it do them good to have a hero like a Captain Jack, who laughs in the face of straight and gay alike?
Captain Jack: he’ll save your planet and shag anyone who lives there (but check your purse before he leaves.)
I went to the doctor for unexplained severe headaches. The doctor asked about my sex life, asking if my boyfriend and I are using protection, etc. When I told him I had a very active sex life with my girlfriend at the time, he immediately told me he wanted to test me for HIV. This was never even a thought until I told him I was gay.
Apparently only gay people spread STIs! The more you know
I’m not going to screen you for STDS because you aren’t really at risk as a lesbian. But then again, I don’t really know how you people have sex.
An otherwise very nice and friendly doctor, at a walk-in clinic. I was visiting for pelvic pain and fever. Last week, British Columbia, Canada. This made me feel unsafe, marginalized, and sexually deviant. (via microaggressions)
Apparently only men spread STIs! The more you know
Here’s the thing: teenagers are sexual. They just are, despite the many powerful cultural messages which tell them not to be. And, for teenage girls, in particular, sexuality is a minefield, given that all the images they see of “sexual women” consist only and entirely of their sexuality, and the fact that the sexuality displayed by those women is generally dude-approved and performative. The role model of a woman who is multi-dimensional, accomplished in many different fields, totally accepting of her body, and fucking hot as hell because she knows she likes sex and is ready and willing and eager to have sex in the ways that are most fulfilling and least compromising for her… well, we don’t have that yet. The best solution is to be that role model for yourself, I find. But it’s natural to try to take on the many (incomplete, often messed-up) roles that are offered to you, if even for a few minutes or days at a time, to see how they feel. And, eventually, out of all those models of sexuality, you cut and paste and assemble a little collage that represents your unique sexuality. But while you are a teen, you are going to experiment with as many as you can. Sometimes in goofy or embarassing ways.
There’s an idea out there that we should really be preaching “only yes means yes.” Unless your partner is enthusiastically consenting and participating, unless both parties are 100% comfortable, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. Sex, and making out, and everything in between IS awesome, but it should never happen except between two people who are totally into it and totally comfortable. If “yes means yes” were our standard, there would be no question about whether or not the other person really wants to have sex. You’d have no doubt in your mind. It would be obvious.
Why “no means no” isn’t enough.