“Indeed, the idea of ‘winning the girl’ – of overcoming female objections or resistance through repeated and frequently escalating efforts – is central to most of our modern romantic narratives. (Female persistence, by contrast, is viewed as pathetic.) And the more I think about instances of creepiness, harassment and stalking that culminate in either the threat or actuality of sexual assault, the more I’m convinced that a massive part of the problem is this socially sanctioned idea that men are fundamentally entitled to persist. Because if men are meant to persist, then women who say no must only be rejecting the attempt, not the man himself, so that every separate attempt becomes one of a potentially infinite number of keys which might just fit the lock of the woman’s approval. She’s not the one who’s allowed to say no, not really; she should be silent and passive as a locked door, waiting patiently while the man runs through however many keys he can be bothered trying. And if he gets sick of this lengthy process and just breaks in? Well, frustration under those circumstances is only natural. Either the door shouldn’t have been there to impede him, or it shouldn’t have been locked.”
— The Creepiness Question (via notemily)
This is something that I am dealing with at the moment and many times before.
This one guy starts talking to me and it was like a week before Valentine’s day. We only spoke two or three times and he was just another of many college acquaintances. He caught me after my night class one day and asks me if I know what day it is, so obviously I say Thursday and he’s “it’s Valentine’s Day”
I tell him I don’t celebrate that holiday, if one can call it as such, and try to leave. He goes with me, and when we’re outside the building he pulls out a freaking gift bag. My brain stops right there and I don’t know what to do. He hands it to me and I am so confused, and freaked out, not in a good way, I take it without thinking.
I don’t know how to be rude to strangers or anyone I am not very close with in particular. I don’t know how to say “Hey dude I just said five minutes before that I don’t want to celebrate Valentines and yet you are pushing this gift bag on me. Instead I say “Thanks, but it was really not necessary.” This was my fault, I know.
However, what I truly found creepy about him, was how clingy he got after having around four or five 10 minute conversations. He asked me for a phone number way before all that Valentine’s day crap so I could help him with class, and well I gave it to him not knowing how I would later regret it. I guess that should have been my fault number one and then accepting the valentine’s gift fault number two.
Anyway, he dropped one of the classes we were taking together but he still showed up to that class. He caught me as I was walking out and after a short convo in between classes I thought it was over and started for the exit. He was right at my heels, I only noticed when he tried to resume the conversation. He followed me to the school store, I bought myself roasted peanuts, a thing he reminded me of a month after when he asked if I like peanuts because he remembered me buying them.
He followed me like a dog, I tried really hard not to look interested because that is the only way I know how to get rid of guys that bother me. I am not good with people, I have social anxiety and someone following me from one of my classes to the other, I find that as overstepping my personal space.
That day I finally told him that I thought his Valentine’s gift was inappropriate, not the content but the fact that I don’t know him. He dropped the bomb on me by telling me that we know each other. Apparently he asked me a question once two years ago in my chemistry class and he has been watching me from afar and finally gathered a courage to talk to me. He also began the topic of how he wants to be friends for now and we can’t know what might come in the future implying that he would want us to be a thing.
I gave him the usual talk how I am not interested in forming any sort of relationships and that I need to focus on school. I thought he understood but boy I was wrong.
Over the time I mentioned many times that all I can be is a friend and nothing more, I was clear and specific and he just chose to ignore whatever he wanted to ignore. He did not want to face the reality that I don’t want to be with him.
Some things he understood and some he didn’t. As I mentioned before he was coming to the class he dropped and at first he told me that was because the class was interesting. An idiot that I am I believed him, but then when he would skip that class he would send me a text that he is not coming, and I would text him back clearly annoyed that “I don’t need to know that and why would he be telling me that?” His response “Idk, I just want you to know.” Later on I asked him why is he coming to that class, clearly I began suspecting that it was not for the lecture because he would come forty minutes late. “U go I go.” was what I got and that just creeped me out so much that I was actually scared of him.
I tried to get him off my case by showing him that clearly I am not the perfect pink loving girl he has imagined that I am. He told me that I must like pink, because I had pink highlights once, for a week, two years ago. Back to the topic I try to explain, and tell him that I am not that girl that he just described over the texts and he just thanks me for the info and he will remember that. I tried explaining that to him that I didn’t tell him that so he could add it to the rest creepy things he knows about me, but he didn’t get it.
Being nice or subtle to try to spare poor guy’s feelings is not worth it. It just gives him an incentive for further pursuit.
This week I’ve had enough of his constant talking on how he want to settle down and needs someone. So I told him that it’s his life and he should get himself a girl. Now just a reminder I’ve told him that I didn’t want a boyfriend many many many times. When he wrote me to wait until he finishes school and not to be jealous because he had never kissed a girl in school, I realized that saying that I don’t want a boyfriend just goes unnoticed. I told him straight I did not want to be his girlfriend nor have any sort of relationship with him.
His response you might wonder? “but I want to try, just wait until I finish school” Apparently no was not good enough.
I told him I had no feelings towards him, he said feelings can change and that we should try going out.
I said no, yet again, I explained it to him like I would to a five year old that mine would not change and he’s better of forgetting about me and moving on.
He texted me today. Again. He wants to be friends. No thank you. I am not going to give you a chance to be my friend because you would be terrible at it. Friend is a person who listens and understands, those two qualities that you are clearly not good at.
Whew, rant over. I apologize for my grammar and spelling. I wanted to comment the quote from above but I thought describing the situation I am in mirrors situations many other girls finds themselves in.
From the bottom of my heart, to the guys who keep on pursuing the girls who are not interested in them, and are too shy, or too nice to say enough, please be the good guy and leave them alone.
I just want to reblog this as a perfect example of the kind of shit that happens as a direct result of the “persistence works” myth. Please, don’t be this guy.