information addict

WHO WANTS TO COME TO MARK DOES STUFF UNIVERSITY. I can’t guarantee cohesive lectures, but there will be a lot of shitty drawings of characters and angry rants about geography and butts.

- Mark Reads ‘The Princess Bride’: Five (Part III)

fuck. FUCK!!!!!! I AM SERIOUSLY SO UPSET! I know y’all know this by now, but I love morally ambiguous or questionable characters like white people love The Help and THIS IS HURTING ME! I WANT MORE BOROMIR.

- Mark Reads ‘The Two Towers’: Chapter 1

They run across a toppling bridge. A BALROG rears up behind them.

GANDALF: It’s okay; I’ve got this one. Balrog, Flame of Udun, good evening. As a duly designated representative of the country of Middle-earth, I order you to cease any and all evil supernatural activities and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension!

ARAGORN: Yeah, that ought to do it. Thanks, Gandalf.

BALROG catches GANDALF in his whip, and pulls him into the abyss.

FRODO: Oh my God, he killed Gandalf!

BOROMIR: That bastard!

- ‘The Fellowship of the Ring,’ Condensed Parody Version by Molly Ringwraith

[FRODO, PIPPIN, and SAM arrive inside the parlour of their room at the Prancing Pony. The only source of light is the dim burning of the wood in the fireplace.]

SAM: Let’s throw some faggots on the fire!

PIPPIN: Won’t that word totally scare the crap out of people who momentarily forgot that it used to have another meaning?

SAM: Surely!

PIPPIN: THEN MAKE SURE TO USE IT IN THE FIRST PARAGRAPH.

- Mark Reads ‘The Fellowship of the Ring’: Chapter 10 |

There’s a lot more walking, and some more singing, more walking, and suddenly a three hour film seems like a minimal commitment.

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Mark Reads ‘The Fellowship of the Ring’: Chapter 3

WELCOME TO TOLKIEN FANDOM MARK

With him, he brings four more dwarves, including the majestically-named Thorin Oakenshield, whose very name makes me feel like my entire existence is inferior to his. I mean, if I was a character in a fantasy novel and was introduced as “Ser Mark Oshiro, Lord of the Internet, from the Shire of Potato Tot, Heir to the Bicycle Throne,” I’m pretty sure you’d all laugh at me. Though now I have an image in my head of a field of tater tots, and that’s pretty goddamn awesome. Could you imagine? You’d just waltz out into a field and pluck a basket of tater tots from some sort of bush. Or, hell, maybe it’s a tree and you just shake the tree and gather them all in some sort of blanket or tarpaulin to harvest for that day’s meals.

Oh. Right. The Hobbit.

- Mark Reads ‘The Hobbit’: Chapter 1

Well, someone’s skin burning another person just by touching them is also pretty darn awesome. Sometimes, I wish I could turn on this power for presumptive assholes who see that I’m tattooed and think that this is an invitation for them to walk up to me and grab my arms in order to get a better look at them. Well…then I suppose my mother would have to die saving me from Voldemort, so maybe this is not the best thing to wish for. But then….would that make this world real? MORAL DILEMMA. Oh god, mom, if you’re reading this I AM NOT SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING SACRIFICING YOU IN ORDER TO MAKE HARRY POTTER REAL.

- Mark Re-Reads ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’: Chapter 17