Sex makes you vulnerable. It makes everyone vulnerable. Even if it won’t lead to True Everlasting Love. Even if you’re just friends, or scratching an itch, or strangers who meet on the train to Vienna, or having the rawest and sleaziest of Casual Encounters, I still think that you are opening yourself up to another person in a way that is sacred while it is happening. People are very quick to warn about the dangers of casual sex like unwanted pregnancy and STDs, but what they leave out is that in the moment, sex isn’t all that casual. You and another human made a decision to trust each other with everything you have, and for a little while, you stopped time. That’s amazing.
HULK SMASH BAD GUITAR PLAYER
Captain Awkward writes Hulk-ku.
Not everyone who makes you feel happy feelings in your pants or even lights up your heart is destined to be half of a functional couple (which can be a very heartbreaking and hard lesson to learn).
This is how far Rape Culture skews our vision. Being sexually harassed and assaulted is seen as something that you should be cool (i.e. quiet) about. But GOD FORBID you break up the weekly games night with the temerity to be a victim of such a crime! Don’t you know that your harasser has the best table for playing Settlers of Cataan?
#322 & #323 “My friend group has a case of the Creepy Dude. How do we clear that up?” | CaptainAwkward.com
Step 5: Creepy dude creeps on with his creepy self. He’s learned that there are no real (i.e. “disapproval & pushback from dudes and dude society”) consequences to his actions. Women feel creeped out and unsafe. Some of them decide to take a firm stand against creeping and not come to parties anymore. They slowly slide out of the friend group. Some of the woman decide to just quietly put up with it, because they’ve learned that no one will really side with them and it’s easier to go along than to lose one’s entire community. The whole group works around this missing stair.
Possible Step 6: Creepy dude rapes someone. If he does, there’s a less than 50% chance that the woman will report it. Why?
Could it be that all the people who surround her have taught her that if she speaks up nothing will really come of it anyway? Could it be that she doesn’t trust her friends and the people who love her to have her back on this? I CAN’T IMAGINE WHY. They couldn’t even kick this dude off their weekly trivia team.
Captain Awkward’s Rules for Dating
Just needed these on my blog, for future reference. From this post. Copyright Captain Awkward; I did not write this.
Here are the rules of dating I try to follow:
- The other person is just a human, by which I mean, don’t get too caught up in performing or expecting gender roles about who initiates/pays/pursues, etc.
- If you’re interested in someone, ask them out or tell them about it sooner rather than later, before you get too caught up in a fantasy or invested in the outcome.
- Nobody owes you time or affection, so don’t approach dating with a sense of entitlement.
- Understand that connection is rare and be cool and gracious about rejection – “Sorry you feel that way, since I enjoyed meeting you so much, but I totally understand. Good luck!”
- You can’t control whether someone will like you, so don’t change yourself to meet their expectations (or what you assume their expectations are). Focus on whether you like them.
- Listen to the other person – pay attention to the actual interaction that is taking place and not the one in your head.
- Don’t date anyone who isn’t as cool as your friends, by which I mean, the time spent with them is as fun as the time you spend with your friends and they show you the same kindness and consideration your friends do and get you the way your friends do and you can’t wait to introduce them to your friends.
- Look for reciprocity, honesty, and ease. Is it easy to make plans? Is it easy to get in touch with them? Do they do their share…of planning things? Of holding up their end of the conversation? Of talking about feelings? As you get to know them, are they who they appear to be? Do you feel like you can say what’s on your mind and ask questions? Do they respect boundaries? (Good!) Do you feel like you have to make yourself smaller or dumb it down to be with them? Do you feel like you’re always chasing them? Are you making pro/con lists and trying to talk yourself into giving them a chaaaaance? Do skeletons keep popping out of their closet? Do they say stuff like “I’m a mess, you deserve better than me?” Do you say stuff like “Well, there’s nothing really WRONG with them…?” to yourself? To your friends? (Bad! Abort.)
- Attraction! Or, as Commander Logic calls it, “groin.” Are you really excited about kissing this person (etc.)? Sadly, not every person who gives you happy pants feelings is the right person to build a happy life with, but you can’t force or fake attraction, so kiss some people as opportunities arise and see how you feel about that.
I’ll supply: Comfortable couch, breath mints, and a movie we can pretend that we’re watching. You bring: Lips, good dental hygiene, and a clear, unshakeable understanding that everyone will be keeping their pants on and completely zipped/buttoned/sealed for the entire event. Bonus if you have experience building sweet blanket forts.
Every good thing that ever happens to us because someone said “Yes, let’s try it.” There is no love without courage, so be of good courage. Take your faults and walk into Camazotz. Take your passion and make it happen. Say “I really care about you and want you to stay in my life” to your boyfriend, and see what happens.
TAKE YOUR FAULTS AND WALK INTO CAMAZOTZ. OMG YES
“When you are here, I am okay, and when you are not here, I am not okay” is not actually a romantic sentiment and is too much for one person to carry. That’s pretty much how my cat feels about me, to the point where if I go to the bathroom and shut the door, the entire time I see tiny paws come under the door. JENNYFUR? ATTENSHUN? FOODZ? WARMS? It sounds cute, but I think she thinks her name is “Catgetoff” or “Catnotnow” or “Catgoaway”, as we have vastly different attachment styles.
this is quickly becoming one of my all-time favorite CA posts
Okay, okay, I get it. It’s awkward to make yourself vulnerable, and being drunk lowers inhibitions and also gives the illusion of an excuse if the person doesn’t respond the way you want – “Ha ha, no, I was kidding, I was drunk.” I too have made out on the Couch of Plausible Deniability Where We Are Going To Watch A Movie, I Swear.
Dating even at its best is a process where you figure out what you want from dating, like a really intense and potentially psychologically damaging game of Duck, Duck, Goose.
The goal is coffee, not FEELINGSCOFFEE.
I love everything on this page.
At a certain point, parental disapproval and disappointment just plain stop working as a motivational tool for adult children. Well, they are motivating….in motivating your kids to avoid & dread your company. Or to create a selective portrait of their lives for you that shows only their successes, because they don’t feel safe around you when they struggle. The parent’s fallacy is “If I don’t show my disapproval of x thing, they will think it’s okay and keep doing it.” The thing is, your kids already have a good idea of what you will and won’t approve of, and they do think about it and care about it. But questions like “Who do I love?” and “Where do I live?” and “What work will I do?” are fundamentally and primally not your decision to make. If you decide that you’ll weigh in on such topics only when asked, I think you greatly increase the likelihood that you’ll be asked.
pinstripe replied to your quote “I have a low opinion of anyone who touts rationality above all else….”
i love captain awkward. have you ever been on the friends of captain awkward forums? they’re also great.
I have not! I will seek out this thing. Thanks for the rec!