I was spanked as a child, far beyond toddler age, and it was always when my dad, who had trouble controlling his temper, exploded with anger at my stubborn attempts at independence. It was something I associated with awful sadness and a sense of betrayal, because my father had chosen to humiliate and hurt me rather than talk to me like I was a person. I don’t think I “learned my lesson” from being spanked—I think it drove distance between myself and my father.
I never, ever want my (hypothetical) kids to associate physical pain with someone who loves them. I will never spank my kids.
I don’t want to minimize what you experienced as a child, but what you experienced was not spanking. What you experienced was abuse, and it’s horrible that any child comes to associate what should be reasoned discipline from a parent—no matter what form it comes in—with humiliation and degradation. Verbal abuse, however, can be just as damaging for much the same reason. I didn’t associate spankings with humiliation or pain, only as a punishment that I deserved.
I guess my argument here is: spanking isn’t necessarily abuse, even though it can sometimes accompany abuse, and abuse doesn’t always require physical contact.
I’m very sorry you had to go through all of that with your father, and if you don’t feel comfortable spanking, then by no means is it a requirement and by no means should you feel like you should discipline your children that way. But spanking and abuse are not the same thing, and I think it’s important to separate one from the other.
Thanks for your response. I don’t tend to think of what happened to me as abuse, because it seems absurd to put it in the same category as the abuse that some of my friends experienced, which has left lasting scars both physical and emotional. And because I don’t want to cause any grief to my father, who has made great strides since my childhood in overcoming his anger and his depression.
I guess my problem with the idea that spanking is okay is that it’s hard to draw a clear line between the kind of hitting that is okay and the kind of hitting that is not. And if we teach kids that abuse should be reported but spanking is okay, how are they supposed to draw that line?
