Anonymous asked

hello i need ur help this guy we are super duper close bffs & we joke around a lot, & we were talking & playing around as usual & i said something sexual as a joke but he replied "god youre so fucking hot" & then proceeded to tell me that he was horny & asked for pics. so me being me i was like um no im sorry (( because i dont roll like that )) & then he started being mean & i feel like i disappointed him & i hate letting people down but i dont wanna send nudes :-( help please

thatbadadvice answered

Readers won’t stop sending the Bad Advisor their real-ass questions to answer, so the Bad Advisor is periodically going to try her hand at answering them.

image

What is it you like best about your great relationship with your super duper close BFF, letter writer? Is it how he pressures you into doing things that you’re not comfortable with? Is it how he’s “mean” when you don’t comply with his sexual demands? Is it how he holds the good things hostage until you show him that his needs, rather than yours, are your first priority?

Bad Advisor knows that sounds harsh, LW, but the Bad Advisor gets the impression that you are a tough cookie, LW. Because you stood your ground: you don’t roll like that when someone asks you for nude photos. You especially don’t roll like that when a manipulative, selfish dude asks you for nude photos. You have fantabulous instincts. You should stick with them, because they are doing right by you.

Here’s what: a real friend, a true super duper BFF will never be “let down” when you don’t provide them with sexual gratification—moreover, a kind of sexual gratification that is not only not at all pleasurable for you but in fact puts you in a great deal of potential danger and which makes you deeply uncomfortable. If you’re a teenager, you yourself can be prosecuted for taking nude photos of yourself! (Let us leave a discussion of the logic of this fact for another day.)

If you’re out of the age-related-prosecution-woods, (or if you’re not) you must understand that the likelihood of your “super duper BFF” being the only human on planet earth ever to see the nude photo you send is PRACTICALLY ZERO. Either your “super duper BFF”—who, let’s remember is holding his niceness and friendship hostage as leverage to make you do something you don’t want to do that takes care of his sad boner—shares it with his friends, or his computer or phone is hacked, or someone “borrowing” his computer or phone snoops and finds the photos (POTENTIALLY YEARS DOWN THE LINE! THE INTERNET IS FOREVER, LETTER WRITER! FOOOORRREEEEEVVVVVEERRRRRRR), and you—wherever you may be now or in a few years—may never know when or if you will deal with the fallout.

The fallout itself? May be of varying degrees and manners of suckitude. Let’s be real: if you are a ladyperson, the sexist, misogynist, shame-obsessed sack of shit patriarchal society we live in is going to invite everyone who knows about your nude photos to look down on you and judge you for doing them. 

If you’re going to take some nude photos—and there’s nothing whatsoever wrong with taking n00dz, particularly ones in which you take an active role in shooting / developing / styling / posing / printing / disseminating to trusted partners or clients—FOR THE LOVE OF BOUNCING, BUMBLING BABY BOSEPHUS, ONLY TAKE NUDE PHOTOS BECAUSE YOU THINK IT WOULD BE A FUN, SEXY, EMPOWERING THING TO DO THAT YOU LIKE AND ENJOY, and not because some brosef with a boner cajoled you into doing it before you were ready. And hey, you may never be ready. And never being ready is totally fine.

And after you continue to not send this dude nudes, you need to have a straight talk with him about boundaries. Please tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you will not be providing him with nudes, and that if that means he can’t treat you like a sentient human being who deserves respect and appreciation, you and he are going to stop being “super duper BFF’s” in the shortest of orders. And then stick to that. If he cleans up his selfish act, and quits pressuring you to do things sexually that you don’t want to do and instead treats you in a way that makes you feel happy and fulfilled rather than sad and pressured, then victory is won.

BUT MOREOVER the Bad Advisor wants to address this couple of lines specifically, wherein you write: "i feel like i disappointed him & i hate letting people down but i dont wanna send nudes :-("

One of the things that sucks about being a particularly empathetic person, which it sounds like you are, is that you feel like if you like and are nice to someone, they will like and be nice to you back, because you overestimate other people’s capacity for empathy. And then when the other person does horrible, assbaggy shit—like, for example, is mean to you just because you won’t send them nude photos—you project all kinds of REASONS AND RATIONALIZATIONS for why they’re being mean, because you’re continuing to assume that somewhere in there, they’re as nice and kind as you are and they like, accidentally flew into a mean cloud on their way to the Isle Of Not Being A Shithead.

Maybe you think, “I don’t understand why my super duper BFF is being so mean to me about these nude photos, because we are super duper BFF’s and he is such a great person!” It’s the last bit of that line of thinking that will fuck you up every time.

When people do and say mean and hurtful things without apologizing and amending later behavior, they are not secret nice people with unfortunate or accidental mean exteriors. They are assholes who use a veneer of niceness to groom and manipulate other people into giving them what they want. You never need worry about letting people like this down.

People who are nice friends and who are good to you and who care about you will never be let down when you don’t do sexual favors for them.

TL;DR - Don’t send nudes to this guy, ever. If he can’t fucking deal with it, never talk to him again. There is a world of people out there who don’t hold kindness hostage unless you do something about their stupid boring boners.

weneeddiversebooks:

Read This: Gene Luen Yang’s rousing comics speech at the 2014 National Book Festival gala
From the Washington Post, article here.
GENE LUEN YANG, Library of Congress, Jefferson Building:
Good evening. Thank you, Library of Congress and National Book Festival, for inviting me to share the stage with such esteemed authors, and to speak with all of you. I am deeply grateful for this honor.
I’m a comic-book guy, so tonight I’d like to talk about another comic book guy. Dwayne McDuffie was one of my favorite writers. When I was growing up, he was one of the few African-Americans working in American comics. Dwayne worked primarily within the superhero genre. He got his start at Marvel Comics but eventually worked for almost every comic book publisher out there. He even branched out into television and wrote for popular cartoon series like “Justice League” and “Ben 10.”
Dwayne McDuffie
Dwayne McDuffie is no longer with us, unfortunately. He passed away in 2011, at the age of 49. But within comics, his influence is still deeply felt.
I was lucky enough to have met him once. About a year before his death, we were on a panel together at Comic-Con. I had the opportunity to shake his hand and tell him how much his work meant to me.
In a column Dwayne wrote in 1999, he talked about his love of the Black Panther, a Marvel Comics character. The Black Panther’s secret alias is T’Challa, the king of the fictional African nation of Wakanda. He has super senses, super strength, and super agility. He’s an Avenger, though he hasn’t yet made it into the movies.
The Black Panther wasn’t created by African American cartoonists. He was created in July of 1966 by two Jewish Americans, Stan Lee (who was born Stanley Lieber) and Jack Kirby (who was born Jacob Kurtzberg).
By modern standards, the Black Panther is not a flawless example of a black superhero. In their first draft of the character, Lee and Kirby called him “the Coal Tiger” and gave him a goofy yellow and black costume. Even in his final form, his superhero alias includes the word “Black.” This is true of many early African and African American superheroes, as if what makes them remarkable is neither their superpowers nor their heroism, but their ethnicity. Most problematic, though, was that Marvel made their most prominent black superhero the star of a series called Jungle Action.
All of these flaws were lost on Dwayne McDuffie when he first encountered the Black Panther in 1973, at the age of 11. What struck him was the character’s commanding sense of dignity. The Black Panther wasn’t anyone’s sidekick. He wasn’t an angry thug. He wasn’t a victim. He was his own hero, his own man. As Dwayne describes it, “In the space of 15 pages, black people moved from invisible to inevitable.”
Dwayne’s love of the Black Panther eventually blossomed into a love of comics in general. Dwayne was a smart guy with a lot of options in life. He’d earned a master’s degree in physics. But he chose to write comics as his career. I would argue that without the Black Panther, this flawed black character created by a writer and an artist who were not black, there would be no Dwayne McDuffie the comic book writer.
Dwayne wasn’t just a writer — he was also a businessman. In the early ’90s, he teamed with a group of writers and artists to found Milestone Media, the most prominent minority-owned comic book company that has ever existed. The Milestone universe have since been folded into DC Comics, so these days characters like Static Shock and Icon – characters Dwayne co-created – fight crime alongside Superman and Batman.
In the early ’90s, I was finishing up my adolescence. I visited my local comic-book store on a weekly basis, and one week I found a book on the stands called Xombi, published by Milestone Media. Xombi is a scientist who became a superhero after he was injected with nanotechnology. He allied himself with a secret order of superpowered nuns. One sister was known as Nun of the Above, another Nun the Less. Together, they protected the world from all kinds of supernatural threats.
Xombi was inventive and fun, but he stood out to me because he was an Asian American male carrying in his own monthly title. And even more notable – he didn’t know Kung Fu. Xombi wasn’t created by Asian Americans – his writer was white and his artist black – but he did make Asian Americans a little less invisible.
We in the book community are in the middle of a sustained conversation about diversity. We talk about our need for diverse books with diverse characters written by diverse writers. I wholeheartedly agree.
But I have noticed an undercurrent of fear in many of our discussions. We’re afraid of writing characters different from ourselves because we’re afraid of getting it wrong. We’re afraid of what the Internet might say.
This fear can be a good thing if it drives us to do our homework, to be meticulous in our cultural research. But this fear crosses the line when we become so intimidated that we quietly make choices against stepping out of our own identities. After all, our job as writers is to step out of ourselves, and to encourage our readers to do the same.
I told you the story of Dwayne McDuffie to encourage all of us to be generous with ourselves and with one another. The Black Panther, despite his flaws, was able to inspire a young African American reader to become a writer.
We have to allow ourselves the freedom to make mistakes, including cultural mistakes, in our first drafts. I believe it’s okay to get cultural details wrong in your first draft. It’s okay if stereotypes emerge. It just means that your experience is limited, that you’re human.
Just make sure you iron them out before the final draft. Make sure you do your homework. Make sure your early readers include people who are a part of the culture you’re writing about. Make sure your editor has the insider knowledge to help you out. If they don’t, consider hiring a freelance editor who does.
Also, it’s okay if stereotypes emerge in the first drafts of your colleagues. Correct them – definitely correct them – but do so in a spirit of generosity. Remember how soul-wrenching the act of writing is, how much courage it took for that writer to put words down on a page.
And let’s say you do your best. You put in all the effort you can. But then when your book comes out, the Internet gets angry. You slowly realize that, for once, the Internet might be right. You made a cultural misstep. If this happens, take comfort in the fact that even flawed characters can inspire. Apologize if necessary, resolve do better, and move on.
Let your fear drive you to do your homework. But no matter what, don’t ever let your fear stop you.

weneeddiversebooks:

Read This: Gene Luen Yang’s rousing comics speech at the 2014 National Book Festival gala

From the Washington Post, article here.

GENE LUEN YANG, Library of Congress, Jefferson Building:

Good evening. Thank you, Library of Congress and National Book Festival, for inviting me to share the stage with such esteemed authors, and to speak with all of you. I am deeply grateful for this honor.

I’m a comic-book guy, so tonight I’d like to talk about another comic book guy. Dwayne McDuffie was one of my favorite writers. When I was growing up, he was one of the few African-Americans working in American comics. Dwayne worked primarily within the superhero genre. He got his start at Marvel Comics but eventually worked for almost every comic book publisher out there. He even branched out into television and wrote for popular cartoon series like “Justice League” and “Ben 10.”

Dwayne McDuffie is no longer with us, unfortunately. He passed away in 2011, at the age of 49. But within comics, his influence is still deeply felt.

I was lucky enough to have met him once. About a year before his death, we were on a panel together at Comic-Con. I had the opportunity to shake his hand and tell him how much his work meant to me.

In a column Dwayne wrote in 1999, he talked about his love of the Black Panther, a Marvel Comics character. The Black Panther’s secret alias is T’Challa, the king of the fictional African nation of Wakanda. He has super senses, super strength, and super agility. He’s an Avenger, though he hasn’t yet made it into the movies.

The Black Panther wasn’t created by African American cartoonists. He was created in July of 1966 by two Jewish Americans, Stan Lee (who was born Stanley Lieber) and Jack Kirby (who was born Jacob Kurtzberg).

By modern standards, the Black Panther is not a flawless example of a black superhero. In their first draft of the character, Lee and Kirby called him “the Coal Tiger” and gave him a goofy yellow and black costume. Even in his final form, his superhero alias includes the word “Black.” This is true of many early African and African American superheroes, as if what makes them remarkable is neither their superpowers nor their heroism, but their ethnicity. Most problematic, though, was that Marvel made their most prominent black superhero the star of a series called Jungle Action.

All of these flaws were lost on Dwayne McDuffie when he first encountered the Black Panther in 1973, at the age of 11. What struck him was the character’s commanding sense of dignity. The Black Panther wasn’t anyone’s sidekick. He wasn’t an angry thug. He wasn’t a victim. He was his own hero, his own man. As Dwayne describes it, “In the space of 15 pages, black people moved from invisible to inevitable.”

Dwayne’s love of the Black Panther eventually blossomed into a love of comics in general. Dwayne was a smart guy with a lot of options in life. He’d earned a master’s degree in physics. But he chose to write comics as his career. I would argue that without the Black Panther, this flawed black character created by a writer and an artist who were not black, there would be no Dwayne McDuffie the comic book writer.

Dwayne wasn’t just a writer — he was also a businessman. In the early ’90s, he teamed with a group of writers and artists to found Milestone Media, the most prominent minority-owned comic book company that has ever existed. The Milestone universe have since been folded into DC Comics, so these days characters like Static Shock and Icon – characters Dwayne co-created – fight crime alongside Superman and Batman.

In the early ’90s, I was finishing up my adolescence. I visited my local comic-book store on a weekly basis, and one week I found a book on the stands called Xombi, published by Milestone Media. Xombi is a scientist who became a superhero after he was injected with nanotechnology. He allied himself with a secret order of superpowered nuns. One sister was known as Nun of the Above, another Nun the Less. Together, they protected the world from all kinds of supernatural threats.

Xombi was inventive and fun, but he stood out to me because he was an Asian American male carrying in his own monthly title. And even more notable – he didn’t know Kung Fu. Xombi wasn’t created by Asian Americans – his writer was white and his artist black – but he did make Asian Americans a little less invisible.

We in the book community are in the middle of a sustained conversation about diversity. We talk about our need for diverse books with diverse characters written by diverse writers. I wholeheartedly agree.

But I have noticed an undercurrent of fear in many of our discussions. We’re afraid of writing characters different from ourselves because we’re afraid of getting it wrong. We’re afraid of what the Internet might say.

This fear can be a good thing if it drives us to do our homework, to be meticulous in our cultural research. But this fear crosses the line when we become so intimidated that we quietly make choices against stepping out of our own identities.
After all, our job as writers is to step out of ourselves, and to encourage our readers to do the same.

I told you the story of Dwayne McDuffie to encourage all of us to be generous with ourselves and with one another. The Black Panther, despite his flaws, was able to inspire a young African American reader to become a writer.

We have to allow ourselves the freedom to make mistakes, including cultural mistakes, in our first drafts. I believe it’s okay to get cultural details wrong in your first draft. It’s okay if stereotypes emerge. It just means that your experience is limited, that you’re human.

Just make sure you iron them out before the final draft. Make sure you do your homework. Make sure your early readers include people who are a part of the culture you’re writing about. Make sure your editor has the insider knowledge to help you out. If they don’t, consider hiring a freelance editor who does.

Also, it’s okay if stereotypes emerge in the first drafts of your colleagues. Correct them – definitely correct them – but do so in a spirit of generosity. Remember how soul-wrenching the act of writing is, how much courage it took for that writer to put words down on a page.

And let’s say you do your best. You put in all the effort you can. But then when your book comes out, the Internet gets angry. You slowly realize that, for once, the Internet might be right. You made a cultural misstep. If this happens, take comfort in the fact that even flawed characters can inspire. Apologize if necessary, resolve do better, and move on.

Let your fear drive you to do your homework. But no matter what, don’t ever let your fear stop you.

overpasslightbrigade:

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.
Overpass Light Brigade in Milwaukee

overpasslightbrigade:

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.

Overpass Light Brigade in Milwaukee

hoganhere:

This is what happens in my eyeballs anyhow.

moarrrmagazine: Collages by John Stezaker

whatazendra:

Just let this sink in for a bit. #ferguson

whatazendra:

Just let this sink in for a bit. #ferguson

“Why do white people own so many pets?
Because we’re not allowed to own people anymore.
*****
What is the scariest thing about a white person in prison?
You know he did it.
*****
how many Chicago cops does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just beat the room for being black.”
*****
A good looking 50 year old white man is trying to get laid on reality TV. What show are you watching?
To catch a predator.
*****
Why do white girls travel in groups of three or five?
They can’t even
*****
What do you call 64 white people in a room? A full blooded Cherokee.”

from various reddit threads

at dinner last night, a coworker was talking about hanging out with his white friends and getting fed up with the racist jokes, and asked them to tell a white people joke.  nobody had any, so he googled and found these. after a few of them, people were a lot less comfortable.

white folks, next time you hear a racist joke, maybe lead with one of these in response.  tag this “I’m white” when you reblog it, if you are.

(via cuterpillar)

particularscarf:

evmlove:

damecatoe:

"By far, one of the best scenes in the book is where Kaling writes about the photo shoot she and Office co-star Ellie Kemper did for People’s Most Beautiful issue. When the stylist brought a trailer full of size zero gowns, Kaling found herself crying in the children’s bathroom of the public school where the photo shoot was happening. In the bathroom stall, she discovered a smear of what looked like excrement and a child’s graffiti: “This school is bulls–t!” which made her a) laugh and b) demand that the stylist alter one of the gowns to fit her. In the end photo, she’s smiling in a gorgeous fuchsia dress that the stylist had to rip down the back and alter with canvas. Looking at beautiful Kaling, though, you’d never know. It’s a sweet moment of chubby girl victory.” (via afterellen)

This is the story that truly made her my hero.

Here’s the thing: why the FUCK would a stylist- who, on a shoot like this, would obviously be considered a “professional”- ONLY bring tiny-sized gowns? 

Does this happen all the time? Seriously? Like… do they just not MAKE gowns that- 

Oh, wait. 

They don’t. 

Time and time again, we know, we’re told, upscale designers actually ADMIT and are PROUD of the fact that they don’t make gowns for “plus-sized” women.

Mindy Kaling had to have the gown she wanted ripped down the back with canvas tacked onto it AT HER OWN FUCKING PHOTO SHOOT.

Melissa fucking McCarthy couldn’t find a SINGLE designer to fit her for a gown at her own fucking Oscars ceremony.

Hell, I can’t even decently priced off-the-rack REGULAR FUCKING CLOTHES that don’t look something my grandma would wear on a Norwegian cruiseliner.

Because apparently “fat” people don’t deserve to take pride in how they look.

And I actually AM fat. Mindy Kaling ISN’T EVEN.

patandcarladotcom:

Rainbow over our street. #rainbow #milwaukee #mke

patandcarladotcom:

Rainbow over our street. #rainbow #milwaukee #mke

constantwanderlust:

distinguishedcompany:

weirdvintage:
Dog with pipe, 1940s (via)

#why #alsosortofhilarious

I say old chap

constantwanderlust:

distinguishedcompany:

weirdvintage:

Dog with pipe, 1940s (via)

#why #alsosortofhilarious

I say old chap

ibibobo:

St. Stanislaus Church, Milwaukee, WI


I saw a rainbow today, wonder if it was the same one. It was rainy and sunny and I was like hey I bet there’s a rainbow around here somewhere and then there was a rainbow and then someone honked at me and I realized I was looking at rainbows instead of paying attention to which lane I was in

ibibobo:

St. Stanislaus Church, Milwaukee, WI

I saw a rainbow today, wonder if it was the same one. It was rainy and sunny and I was like hey I bet there’s a rainbow around here somewhere and then there was a rainbow and then someone honked at me and I realized I was looking at rainbows instead of paying attention to which lane I was in

xiphoidprocess:

809:

why is this so hard for people to understand

These are all quotes from this article in Forbes and this other one in The Guardian which are actually really well-done commentary on this issue.

Anonymous asked

FUN STORY my old English lit tutor used Lolita as an example of an unreliable narrator. The whole novel is basically about the main character justifying his pursuit of Lolita by interpreting her innocent behaviour as sexual and adult. The fact that she comes across as so "mature" in the novel is because the main character is trying to convince himself that she is mature so he can justify his abusive behaviour. It's essentially a internal commentary of a paedophile grooming a child.

a-little-bi-furious answered

What really pisses me off is that Nabokov regretted writing it in the end because he kept constantly having to explain that this is what the novel was about because readers just did not get this at all.

People who think it is a love story and view Humbert as in any way sympathetic as the poor man who “gave into his dark desires” worry me immensly.

missmarvelprincess:

people are terrible and bad at literature

People are pretty good at bending over backwards to paint rapists as sympathetic though

slavocracy:

sorry white people but if you dont support mike brown & the people of fergusons’ protests in 2014 you probably wouldnt have supported abolition in the 1800s or civil rights movements in the 1960s & having the ability to recognize something as morally justified in hindsight something that has already been accepted by the mainstream as morally justified is nice for u but on all practical levels useless to everyone else 

White privilege

ethiopianbutamerican:

Forty-six million white adults today can trace the origins of their family wealth to the Homestead Act of 1862. This bill gave away valuable acres of land for free to white families, but expressly precluded participation by Blacks.

“When…the United States is a country where we’re still having an incomprehensible debate about contraception and reproductive freedom, it becomes clear women are dealing with trickle-down misogyny.”