Okay, okay, I get it. It’s awkward to make yourself vulnerable, and being drunk lowers inhibitions and also gives the illusion of an excuse if the person doesn’t respond the way you want – “Ha ha, no, I was kidding, I was drunk.” I too have made out on the Couch of Plausible Deniability Where We Are Going To Watch A Movie, I Swear.
Dating even at its best is a process where you figure out what you want from dating, like a really intense and potentially psychologically damaging game of Duck, Duck, Goose.
Hey You Fucking Idiot How About Trying To Talk Me, The Smartest Guy of All Time, Out Of Cheating On My Wife
Turning The Screw, The Awl:I’m a new reader and dig your crazy no-bullshit advice. But I’m writing not so much for advice, but to throw down the gauntlet. My understanding is that always ends well. The subject is me cheating on my wife. I’m sick of feeling guilty about wanting to, and rationally I’m having a hard time figuring out why I shouldn’t because I think it may actually help our marriage and improve the chances of us providing a happy home for our children. Clearly a convenient conclusion but one I’ve done a lot of thinking about. Here are the supporting facts:
1. My wife is no longer interested in sex. She is too busy and tired from stressing over the kids and delivering our little royals to their next playdate to generate biological feelings for me. Before the children were born we had a “zestful” sexual relationship but no longer.
2. It is said men in general have a much higher sex drive. I am a man and find this to be a considerably large understatement, along the lines of saying Transformers might be a shitty movie.
3. I find my wife sexy; I also find other women sexy. Some of these women will have sex with me and we will enjoy it.
4. Having sex with other women will relieve much of the emotional resentment I have against my wife for her sexual indifference (even though I empathize with her), and we will have a better emotional relationship as a lack of sex will no longer be a source of conflict.
5. I will feel physically better if I have sex with other women because I will be released from the buzzing, thrumming miasma of lust that plagues me every moment during a sexless week. Believe me, most men are familiar with these feelings.
6. My wife is an outstanding mother, and otherwise a good wife and best friend.
7. I believe my children will be happier raised in a home with a caring mother and father present.
8. My wife and I have spoken about my inescapable need for physical affection; we have tried methods to rekindle her physical passions, but to no avail.
9. Deep down I believe she would tolerate my affairs as long as I was safe, respectful, discreet, and continued to be a good father and husband. I think she would prefer that approach over a frank discussion about open marriage, which would hurt and offend her with its brazenness. I would rather carry the burden of culpability than dispel her sense of our family.
10. Affairs with other women will not change my love for her.
Finally—and this is more of an observation—if gay men can maintain their marriages while entertaining outside engagements, isn’t it biased and unrealistic to punish their heterosexual peers for addressing the same urges? My challenge to you is to make a compelling case why, on balance, I should not pursue outside affairs in the interests of my family’s longevity and happiness, provided the facts above. I don’t think you can.
Cheating Gauntlet Man
Dear Cheating Gauntlet Man,
OH MY GOD
The goal is coffee, not FEELINGSCOFFEE.
What’s The Best Way To Pretend Like Sex Doesn’t Exist?
Dear Abby, 29 July 2013:DEAR ABBY: My son, “Joe,” is 19, a high school graduate living at home with his dad and me until he leaves for college next year. He will be paying his tuition, and we are charging him a token rent ($100/month) while he’s not in school. He eats dinner with us most nights, and I usually do his laundry. He has a part-time job. This has been working out fine except for one thing. Joe has a longtime girlfriend, and he has been spending some nights at her house. (She lives alone.) We haven’t forbidden this because he’s an adult, and I worry that if we say no he will move in with her. However, we are not comfortable with his spending nights there. Part of our objection is we don’t like the example it sets for his 13-year-old sister, but aside from that we don’t think it’s a good idea, although we can’t say why. We know they’re sexually active regardless of who sleeps where. Are we old-fashioned, or is it reasonable to ask him not to spend the whole night with his girlfriend? — OLD-SCHOOL PARENT
Dear Old-School Parent,
Sex outside of marriage is horrible because of reasons that sex outside of marriage is horrible.
The last thing you want your adult, rent-paying son doing is enjoying the conjugal company of a young woman when he should be tucked away in bed reading his Bible so that his parents can pretend he’s not actually having sex with a woman he is actually having sex with so that they can teach their 13-year-old daughter that it is more important to go to literally any lengths to pretend like sex doesn’t exist than to talk about it openly and honestly as if it’s something the vast majority of human beings engage in at some point in their lives.
Tell your son you’ll put him in time-out if he spends another night with his girlfriend doing those things they do together that they should not be doing together because you said so.
If your kids don’t learned to be ashamed of their bodies now, it’s very possible that they could grow up to experience sex on their own terms rather than on their parents’ terms, and that could cause problems later on such as problems later on.
…so that they can teach their 13-year-old daughter that it is more important to go to literally any lengths to pretend like sex doesn’t exist than to talk about it openly and honestly as if it’s something the vast majority of human beings engage in at some point in their lives.
Nants ingonyama bagithi baba [There comes a lion] Sithi uhhmm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion] Nants ingonyama bagithi baba Sithi uhhmm ingonyama Ingonyama
I FINALLY KNOW THE FUCKING WORDS
it’s so funny to see the translated words though because you think it’s like some really profound chanting and really it’s just
that’s a lion
this movie’s about a lion
just reassuring you that yes indeed lions are here
this is literally my favorite post on tumblr
I hate this post and will always hate this post because it’s pretty much a perfect example of the disneyfication of things
'ha ha its a lion them africans huh them africans'
to grab the direct quotes:
This line loosely translates from Zulu as, “There comes a lion”. In actuality, the speaker of this sentence is speaking to an adult male whom he respects and refers to as “baba”, which means father but in zulu culture it is seen as respectful to refer to one’s betters as mother or father.
The lion in this instance can seen as symbolic of adversity as Lion King is based on the Masai tradition of having the young men kill a lion when they come of age. The speaker at this point would thus be a young Masai man prior to his initiation.
The elder male that was spoken to in the first line responds in a nonchalant manner and acknowledges the lion’s approach, “Oh yes it’s a lion”.
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama
Ingonyama: yama bagithi baba
The phrase is reiterated in a call and response manner as is common amongst Southern-African cultural relations such as singing and dancing. The theme of the advance of the lion is emphasised by the repetition of the word “ingonyama” which means lion in zulu as the task looms ever closer as the lion draws nearer.
Oh, and the parts that get (conveniently) left out, probably because black people
The collected Masai warriors respond to the challenge in unison, “We’re going to conquer”
Ingonyama nengw’ enamabala:
The lion is now joined by a leopard.
So have some context with your ‘lel dem africans ha ha dem africans o disney’ laugh fucking riot. But this is what Disney does, and trains its fans to do: Take something non-white, use it as goddamned decoration, and remove all of the meaning. Use it as a joke. Make it different, but not too different. Who here thought that part of the song was just random noises? Don’t bother with a show of hands, there’s 400 thousand notes to do that for me.
'well you're just reading too much into it'
if you think ladysmith black mambazo didnt know what they were doing with their own fucking language
I love Ladysmith Black Mambazo and I appreciate this post because I had no idea what they were singing.
It’s interesting to compare this post to the history of the song “The Lion Sleeps Tonight,” which was also stolen from Africans and altered in order to appeal to American white people. And then it made a ton of money, which ~somehow~ never made it back to Solomon Linda, original writer and performer of the song.
"The Lion Sleeps Tonight" was, of course, also used in The Lion King, making shitloads of money for Disney and none for Solomon Linda’s descendants, who eventually sued Disney for royalties.
I love everything on this page.
Q:I misread that as "Black Entertainment Network and White Entitlement Network"...
I now have a name for basically every goddamn channel.
the fact that the real world could have involved dragons, unicorns, magic, time travel and insane adventures but instead has things like taxes is why i read so much
This lizard shoots blood out of its eyes to deter predators
This bird has tiny dinosaur claws on its wings and its chicks can climb like goddamn monkeys
This thing is literally named the Vampire Squid from Hell, and it’s so lazy that it uses optical illusions to trick its predators into thinking it’s running away really fast instead of actually running away
When these ants squabble over territory, instead of fighting they have a dance-off. The winner of the dance-off gets to enslave the other colony
This diagram is of one of many planets made of solid diamond
And here’s a picture of our galaxy in space which, by the way, would taste of raspberries and smell of rum:
This adorable dear is a water bear, a very tiny animal with a weird internal pulley system for movement. It can survive being dried out and rehydrated (in nature it depends on it), and can survive in open space without air, pressure or radiation shielding for at least ten days and be fine.
Naked mole rats are not only the only eusocial mammals, but are also cold-blooded and immune to cancer.
There are a LOT of animals that navigate via electricity
or can “see” through sound echoes
or have the regenerative properties of mythical trolls
These guys live in water between 2C and 464C (35-867F) at 300atm of pressure, sometimes in water as briny as vinegar… and they’re far from the only species to do it
Caterpillars turn completely to goo in their cocoons and their adult forms grow within it. Hundreds of species of parasite mind-control their hosts, including those that affect humans. Wheat as we know it isn’t rightfully a single species; it’s a 2-way hybrid with twice as many sets of chromosomes as it should rightfully have, created by us. Microorganisms genetically engineer plants to change their shape to provide homes for the tiny engineers. If you mess up the mRNA distribution in a newly fertilised fly egg, you can make a fly with two heads and no butt. Fruit flies get drunk in the same way that humans do; they’re a remarkable model for all kinds of human things, even though they shouldn’t be all that similar to us at all. Beavers change entire landscapes to colonise new areas. Bacteria far up in the sky help clouds to form. Diamonds are born not from the bones of dinosaurs, as many believe, but in the hearts of volcanoes. If you capture lightning on a super high speed camera, you can see many little spots of light branch out and seek the ground, calling up positive branches until one tendril from the sky meets one from the land and the energy of the could is immediately discharged in a bright, hot flash. We don’t yet know what lives in magma. We can deduce the heart of a star, but we can’t explore the hundreds of other planets in the galaxy like ours. The trillions and trillions of microorganisms living in your gut act like digestive organs that it’s very hard to live without, and there are 10x as man of them as there are human cells in you; you could argue that you’re 9% human. If you fold a single (hypothetical, infinite) piece of paper 42 times, it will reach past the moon. The eye has evolved independently on Earth at least 40 times, and possibly as many as 65 times. There are no muscles in your fingers. A rhino’s horn and your hair are the same structure. A horse’s hoof and your fingernail are the same structure. Some of your thinking isn’t done in your brain — it’s done at the top of your spine, throughout your spine, in your intestines, and in your heart. Your brain fills in the gaps of what you don’t see, but mentally interpreting what you do see is largely done inside the eyes. A lot of an octopus’ thinking is done in its arms.
But sure, gripe at the universe for not giving us pointy horses. Without them I guess it’s all pretty boring.
(Fantasy novels can be pretty great though)
Allow me to add that this is a world in which human beings have encountered, in one way or another, all of the living creatures seen here: http://camwyn.tumblr.com/tagged/ladies-and-gentlemen-i-present-to-you:-the-ocean - because fantasy writers would be told to sit down and start editing if they came up with animals that patently bizarre.
A FLY WITH TWO HEADS AND NO BUTT
At a certain point, parental disapproval and disappointment just plain stop working as a motivational tool for adult children. Well, they are motivating….in motivating your kids to avoid & dread your company. Or to create a selective portrait of their lives for you that shows only their successes, because they don’t feel safe around you when they struggle. The parent’s fallacy is “If I don’t show my disapproval of x thing, they will think it’s okay and keep doing it.” The thing is, your kids already have a good idea of what you will and won’t approve of, and they do think about it and care about it. But questions like “Who do I love?” and “Where do I live?” and “What work will I do?” are fundamentally and primally not your decision to make. If you decide that you’ll weigh in on such topics only when asked, I think you greatly increase the likelihood that you’ll be asked.
WHAT HO! MY GIRLFRIEND LOVES PUPPIES MORE THAN SHE LOVES THE COMPLETE WORKS OF WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE AND IT DOTH DISPLEASE HER MASTER
Dear Prudence, 8 August 2013:Dear Prudence, My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. I posed to her the following hypothetical situation: Would you rescue from fire and certain destruction the last surviving copy on earth of the complete works of Shakespeare or a single puppy? My girlfriend says that she would rescue the puppy because the puppy is a fellow living being. She is highly educated and claims to have great respect for Shakespeare. But I think my girlfriend’s choice is the wrong one. I would rescue the Shakespeare, not just because of the aesthetic enjoyment we get from his work but also because of all the moral insight it provides us (including possibly the insight that enables the concept of animal rights in the first place). We’ve argued a lot about this. I cannot take her answer seriously, but I find it rather disturbing nonetheless. She never rejected the hypothetical question out of hand or said that the two things aren’t even comparable. She says that preserving a living conscious thing is more valuable than preserving Shakespeare. My girlfriend loves animals, especially her poodle, and is a die-hard vegetarian. I am, on the other hand, obsessed with Shakespeare and rather neutral toward animals. What is the best way for us to defuse this situation? — Fireman
The best way to defuse this situation is … hold on, wait a minute, can we just sit with the idea that your girlfriend seriously believes that animal rights would exist on planet earth in the year 2013 without the specific aid and assistance of the literary works and personal genius of William Shakespeare, the most amazing and important human being ever to walk the earth, and to whom all living beings owe an unimaginable debt of gratitude?
I’m not sure something like this can be “defused,” knowing what you know about your girlfriend’s wholesale lack of character as a human being, discovered only through shrewd wordsmithery of your own, good sir. After all, in the extremely likely event that the two of you are uniquely positioned to save either the complete (and completely amazeballs!) works of William Shakespeare or some fucking mutt, you don’t want to be standing in a fiery building patiently explaining to this dolt what a grotesque embarrassment to rational thinking she is while the most important piece of literature in the known universe burns to a crisp.
Your girlfriend could have answered in any number of acceptable ways to your inquiry (which: what intellectual strength have you, my good friend!), including but not limited to: “Why, I would save the works of William Shakespeare, he who gives this wretched world meaning!” or “Whatever you think is best, Vast God Of Knowledge, Made Man.” Instead, she treated your question like some kind of silly hypothetical, and not the critical indicator of her value as a person that it obviously is.
If the fires of true love are ever to be kindled between two people, they must agree on absolutely everything and have no differences between them whatsoever, as Shakespeare himself taught us in works like Romeo and Juliet, The Taming Of The Shrew, A Midsummer Night’s Dream and Much Ado About Nothing, in which only ideologically identical people who live in perfect harmonious agreement from the very beginning of their relationships ever succeed in love.
oh my god
I Don’t Want To Upset My Sister By Telling Her That Her Relationship With A Woman Disgusts Me
Miss Manners, 14 August 2013:DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in my mid-50s, and one of my sisters is in her early 60s. She recently e-mailed me an invitation to her “wedding” to her female partner. They have lived together for about 19 years. I have no intention of attending. My quandary is how to decline the invitation. I want to be honest. I want to be polite. I see no way to be politely honest. If I try to be polite and lie, then wouldn’t good manners require me to send a gift? I don’t see how I can be honest and not upset her. Should I just ignore the e-mail, remain silent and ignore the invitation?
I see no reason to be polite to someone who has the gall to “marry” another consenting human being, and to compound their own rudeness by wishing to include family members in this brash display of moral turpitude.
This is probably just a phase your 60-year-old sister has been going through for 19 years and if she doesn’t hear your vociferous disapproval, she could turn into a lesbian.